An issue worth grappling over

The other day I had a conversation with friends about a horrible experience I suffered while 15.  Being 30 now, these feelings and memories of the event have just begun to surface.  While crying, the person told me, “You just need to forgive.  Jesus commands us to.”

My response was that I see no Scripture that commands me to forgive someone who does not ask.  What do you think?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23747168#23744491

Insomia

For those of you who don’t have this problem..I am jealous.

A year ago, I used to pray and sing psalms.  It only became worse.  We were/are plagued by a tyrant who used (to this day the person still does) the court system to haunt us.  My husband has lost his children, cannot even go to their school (or sports) functions because of this person.  She married a man who has a trust fund, thus it would seem an unending amount of money.  In case any of you don’t realize this:  The person who has the most money wins in the court system.

I loved my husband’s children.  Loved them as much as my own, they were apart of us, apart of our family.  There are pictures that I am not able to look at; the pain is too overbearing.  One particular photo sticks out in my mind.  The five of them, all in bathing suits with Popsicles in their hands. They had Indian paint on their faces.  (I allowed them to be creative)  They were in the backyard and heard the ice-cream truck.  Our oldest urged them all to chase the melody  through the neighborhood and finally we all caught up to the truck.  Dog and all.  When we had purchased the goods, we came back, walking with our sweet treats dripping down our chins! I took a picture in our back room.  Each of the kids holding up their prize! 

Those days our gone.  There are two missing from our family and the pain is more than I can bear at times.  I would sob to God, plead with him to make our family whole.  He didn’t.  It seems we are torn apart.  That doesn’t deter my faith, I know He has a plan.  That doesn’t ease the pain though and only causes me to doubt my faith.

This what I think of when plagued with insomnia.  I miss our family and the homeschooling days!

Finished!

Robin Crusoe.  (The book is downstairs, so if I spelled the name wrong…shoot me, I am sorry)

Ahhh….what a fabulous book!  It makes tears sting my eyes thinking of the story.  What a gem!  If I was still homeschooling, I would have each of my boys read this book by the time they were in 6th grade.  Let’s pray God will give me the grace to have them read it by 12th!

(If you’re wondering why the 12th, this is my opinion of public school…it’s a joke!!!)

Books…

For the past three months I have been reading (interestingly enough) 3 books.  The first:  Robin Crusoe.  The second:  The Mortification of Sin.  The third:  1776

I have noticed a problem in public education.  It is too fast.  There isn’t enough time to absorb the material.  I like to read a book and think upon for days, maybe even weeks; put it down, think of the chapters read so far and then continue the reading thus finally finishing the book.  When I do this it seems I have a complete understanding of the text.

For educational purposes, at least when dealing with professor’s (up until this juncture, being only a Freshman) it seems they are not interested in your understanding (which I have come to believe is the crux of education) but theirs.  Theirs is the only opinion that matters, theirs is the only reason that can be accurate. 

I am in college for one purpose.  To play the game, get my degree and earn money.  I think to be truly educated, one must seek ones own understanding.

Two Types.

There is the one:  The Professor who doesn’t care if you’re in class, so far as you know the material presented:  They’re happy.

The other:  The type who takes it personally that you do not show up.  The one who thinks you must hang on to every word they say and think of it as the gospel.  The type who, even if you understand the material, will give you ten points less than the person who has attended each and every class.  The concept is the same, the test answers equivalent, yet your material is somewhat less than those who drool and sleep during class…

I have a disability.  It is substantiated in the correct department.  I have papers that each professor must sign to acknowledge my difficulty.  It is real.  I do not make this up.  I struggle, much more so than the average person.  I have gone through the gallows and have proved myself true. 

In the academic world where pride runs rampant, there is very little acceptance for the student who needs patience.

I am not lazy.  I wish to do the work and wholeheartedly feel I have something to offer.  Patience is something I find lacking in this system.  A masterpiece is not created in a day, a month, or even a year. 

Is there no-one who recognizes this? 

For All of You…A Letter

There are no words to express my gratitude for your friendship.  I apologize for burdening you with things I shouldn’t talk about.  I know in the last month, I haven’t made good decisions.  I recognize this and am working on it.

There are two parts to which I am divided.  The one who believes I deserve a good life, that I should utilize the intelligence God has graciously bestowed upon me and that I am worthwhile.  The other who thinks I should die as my brother, mother, and father will, that I should not have escaped when they didn’t and that I have no gift that others would think worthy.

This is my struggle.

I am torn between hatred and love for my brother.  Ultimately, I am torn between God’s providence and my pride.  Please pray for me and do not worry needlessly for me.  God, my father, has me in his hand.